Why are we never enough?
Ever notice how hard ass your inner critic is? The recent viral video “Be a Lady They Said” (which could easily be “Be a Man”), is saturated with the language of never enough: either we’re too little or too much.
Contradictory messages from social media stroke our ego’s need to be invited, liked, and elevated. These messages push us to strive, or, on the other end, minimize our presence.
And to what end? The answer to that question is informed by the confluence of our personal histories and geographies.
For me, my striving is on behalf of being liked and accepted. For others, striving might be the end destination of power. Maybe for you, it’s to stand out, be the ‘rare bird’, or someone cool to follow. Either way, the unconscious drivers that push to elevate our ego, or to keep it in check, helps us fit in.
Fall Awake from your Inner Critic
Your unconscious driver, is often the Inner Critic. And this critic is someone you and I know well.
Mine can have an obsessive nature, chiming in with stories upon stories about how I don’t measure up, or I’m too much. And when I pay close attention to it’s rogue and incessant dialogue, I stay asleep and on autopilot.
For me, autopilot happens when my inner critic speaks so convincingly, I build such convincing holographic scenes that I totally forget that I am not my thoughts. Even though I know this.
Falling awake from autopilot isn’t an easy journey.
Our inner critics help us put ourselves in ‘lil boxes so we can have a tidy life, all managed and controlled. Here, we make choices that bend to societal expectations.
Man up. Be a Lady. Stay in line. Break the mold. Don’t stray too far. Don’t talk too loud. Shave your legs. Work those abs. Don’t stay out too late…..
Fall awake. Give yourself permission to wake up, so you are no longer destined by this rogue one.
Master permission
Our Inner Critic floats on the river-tide of societal expectation. Working skillfully with this voice, doesn’t mean necessarily annihilating it with a spirit of domination. I think we can take another road.
Instead, let’s get curious and embrace our Inner Critic’s intention to keep us safe, connected, and loved- however flawed.
So letting go of our striving, or minimizing our presence, helps us embrace the arc of our “wild person-hood”, as described by Maria Popova. Our full person-hood is in constant evolution and is wider and fuller than the Inner Critic.
And our full person-hood is longing for the fulfillment of our desires and deep, meaningful connection with others.
To enter, we must only master the simple paradox of permission.
Permission to be you. Permission to be right where you are. Permission to feel striving, minimizing- and all the accompanying emotions of overwhelm, anxiety, fear, anger, rage or humiliation in the space and time of now.
Yet while the ability to grant this permission to ourselves exists in the here and now, instead it is something we wait for.
Typically, we wait for it to be ‘granted’ and handed down by our bosses, therapists, coaches, friends, partners, or Instagram post-its.
But permission for ourselves, doesn’t come from a power position. Instead, it’s born from the deeper current of compassion.
It is born from a willingness to be intimate with the deep furrows of our being.
And once its granted….what’s unleashed is a unifying force, between ourselves and the source of Love- allowing…
Full
Expression.
Permission to be exactly where we are, gradually and sometimes spontaneously frees us from our own suffering.
Practice for You: Permission Plus
Here is a practice for you offered by meditation teacher and psychologist Tara Brach, PhD.
It’s called RAIN, and is a mnemonic for Recognize, Allow, Investigate, and Nurture. You can use this to help you “fall awake” when you feel stuck.
To begin, find a place to be still, gather yourself, and take a minute or two to breathe. Begin by giving attention to what is in the here and now.
(R) Recognize what is going on inside you (could be anger, anxious thoughts, a judgmental story about someone else.
(A) Allow– what is happening by just breathing and letting the situation be (even if you don’t like it. The idea is not to change anything, especially not to judge yourself for what you are experiencing.
(I) Investigate what feels most difficult. This can be the hard part if you are not used to bringing your attention to the feeling of [anger, anxiety, terror, shame etc.] and how it feels in your body [tightness, pressure, tingles] Ask that part of you what its believing…and see what emerges. Then ask that part of you “What do you most need right now”?
(N) Nurture, send a gentle message directly to [anxious, angry, shame] and give it some reassurance.
With this practice, pay attention to what shifts in sensation (in your body, mind and heart).
I hope this supports your ability to witness and experience the gift of giving yourself permission to be with whatever arises… so you can follow the deeper contours of your own “wild personhood”.
Xo
Jennifer
