The empty road of Diagnosing and Deficiency
We can all remember a kid in school who we fundamentally did NOT get along with, that expressed as arguments or conflict.
Back then, just like now, we might have created some pretty simple narratives on who they were and why they did things. We externalized and focused on the trivial: “they listen to that music. Sat with those people in the cafeteria”.
No matter how hard we tried to like or work with them, we never experienced connection or flow.
Fast forward to adulthood- and there are still challenging people in our lives who provide ample opportunity to experience the discomfort of disconnection, tension or conflict (surprise, surprise) . To make sense of these experiences, we may still rely on simple narratives and judgments that keep us separate or see the other as “lesser than”: “they parent this way, lead that way…”
In teams and larger organizations, we often rely on institutional processes or managerial culture to help us out. A typical management approach is to diagnose personality (Myers Briggs), political (left/right) and identity (gender/culture/class) differences, and prescribe Steps 1-12 in a “difficult conversation” rule book. We are guided into team retreats, conflict resolution processes, or lean on performance management.
And while these approaches can be helpful, they’re partial. They often leave us with the feeling that difference is the ultimate enemy and everyone involved is deficient.
Everyone is your teacher
Many years ago, a wise friend reminded me “Everyone is your Teacher”. She meant that the most challenging people in our lives are our invitation to wake up and grow into a more whole version of ourselves.
Thought of in this way, you can begin to see challenge, tension and conflict as a source for deeper growth- one that sustainably builds new capacities and perspectives and opens up a genuine place for curiosity and connection.
While you may seek a quick escape from painful disconnection and shame, emancipation can emerge when you dig into your own development.
The ground truth: The present unfolding of who you are, and who you’re becoming, is what will help you in and through to deeper levels of connection. <-Tweet this out!
Three ways to stay in relationship even when you don’t want to
To work through the next levels of difference and conflict, you need to stay in relationship with yourself and the other.
Rather than choosing to walk away, ignore, or avoid others who challenge our thinking, ingrained habits of being, and meet our darker shadows- you can mindfully choose another way.
1. Stand and meet the immediacy of the moment
There is an invitation to stand and meet the immediacy of the moment. It is easy to live in the past, to ruminate on what has been said/not said, done/not done. It’s equally enticing to project into the future. But being in relationship is everything to do with the here and now.
Instead of focusing in in the past/present (time) or spending time in story, you can choose to return to the immediate moment.
You can gently ask yourself: how can I fully feel this moment when I’m in relationship with this challenging person, without shame or judgment? What is it that I’m protecting? What is it on behalf of?
Being present in the immediacy of each moment, while acknowledging your resilience (you’re always protecting your dignity) can help you recognize that a) there’s nothing wrong with you and b) you’ve already got some strong muscles to help you in and through.
2. Witness your Framing
While many of us know that we should use “I statements” in difficult conversations, we often slip into ways of framing situations as if our perspective is “the truth”.
So when you’re reflecting on a challenging situation, pay attention to whether you use first or third person language. When you use third person (“She does this because..”, “It was so horrible…”), you inadvertently take your story to be true and right. Instead, if you speak from the perspective of “I”, you take full responsibility for your own experience, leave room for other perspectives, and allow for something new to emerge.
Being mindful of how you’re framing any situation, and claiming full responsibility for your experience, you open up new potential in the dynamic evolution of relationship.
3. Name what new muscles you’re ready to develop
In all stages of our developmental journey, there are new muscles ready to be strengthened. For some of us these capacities might be patience, understanding, the responsible expression of anger, the setting of strong boundaries, or the ability to let go without resentment. Challenging situations gently (and sometimes urgently) call upon new capacity development within us.
Instead of focusing on where you feel trapped or stuck, ask yourself- what is longing to be born within me, within the person I’m having difficulties with, between us, and on behalf of something greater?
Focusing on where and how you’re called to develop new capacities, while staying in relationship can create spaciousness around you’re experience of challenging humans.
Staying in relationship with difficult people in our lives is the challenging terrain of our development and growth. Turning inward and building new capacities to fully meet ourselves and the other is our courageous work as conscious leaders.
xo
Jennifer
PS. Curious about how an integral and human development approach, can help you build sustainable embodiment to meet any new complex leadership challenge? Book a Free Discovery Session now.
Trackbacks/Pingbacks