Taking a pause
We live in a time of fast-paced, social media gratification- where everything personal is pushed onto the internet, in a desire to stand out, be unique, and find ourselves. The cultural context of visibility brings pressure and stress to our teenage kids, but also leaders, politicians, and activists working to make a difference. So today’s post builds on ‘taking a pause’- but through the art of a simple but effective behaviour that often eases up the feeling of needing to be seen. This is true especially for those of us in the challenging work of social/environmental justice.
The desire to be seen
It is a pretty universal experience as humans: the need for appreciation at work or in the trenches of social change. We want feedback from others on whether and how our contributions matter. Yet how we receive appreciation is unique, influenced by our personality, gender, culture, and deeply held personal values. Most often, our unique way of receiving appreciation is rarely understood by our team mates or colleagues. You might have heard about the 5 Love Languages. While somewhat reductionist, it is actually pretty helpful. Whether in relationships or at work, it adeptly names the different ways we humans experience appreciation.
For some of us, we feel appreciation for our efforts through gifts like flowers, an espresso coffee card, or sports membership. For others, it is verbal praise that is genuine and whole-hearted after a strong presentation or project achievement. Especially in the fields of social and environmental change, the offering of help and support can make us feel deeply seen. Finally, spending time with each other in provocative or light-hearted chats about what we really care about, can help us feel ‘met’. While we might like a little bit of all of these approaches; we each have a preference for how we really like to be valued.
Trying to get noticed
So what happens when you don’t feel appreciated or seen for all the work you are offering the world? For me, it is a mixed bag of emotions from disappointment, hurt, frustration to anger. That can lead to a loss of energy and creativity, where the flow feels dried up. Work in human rights and environmental justice can provide just the balance of intensity and exhaustion, that pausing our daily activities to really appreciate one another is rare.
So then for some of us, this thing happens. When you don’t feel appreciated or seen, then you start trying. Yep, the shadow side of getting your needs met. Trying to impress. Trying to say the right things. Trying to stand out. Trying to get asked. Trying to get your boss’s or colleague’s attention by letting down your boundaries, pleasing everyone, being nice or saying the ‘right things’ to the ‘right people’- but it doesn’t land. All this trying to get your fundamental needs met, is ultimately is unhelpful. You end up ignoring your values, intention and integrity, and the cost is the vibrancy and authenticity of connection.
One surprising and easy antidote
The fuel of connection is the driveshaft of our energy and creativity. It is at the heart of our experience of being seen, appreciated and loved. So what happens when we let go of needing to be seen, and rather create space for others to feel heard.
So the one surprising and simple thing we can do better is: listen. An integral perspective, would speak to the I/We/It perspectives- listening to ourselves, listening to the other, and listening to the space in between. The quality of listening well can radically shift the experience of our day-to-day working relationships and organizational cultures.
We all crave to really be seen and heard, without judgment. If we can take a pause and be present to another, we give them the gift of being seen and appreciated.
Practice:
So here is a practice for you this month: see if you can bring some attention to how you listen in spaces that demand anything but. Where action and busyness are the privileged ways of being. See if you can disrupt this.
While there are tons of resources out there on listening- they all start with an intention to slow down and pause. You might begin with “hey, is now a good time to talk about…?” If the other person is game, then you can turn off your phone or email, and show that you are bringing all of you into the present.
The next move is to mirror what they are sharing with you. We catch less than 15% when another person speaks. That is not a whole lot. So make sure you are reflecting back what you heard (“mirroring”) and asking them “is there more?”. And then see if you can figure out the emotion(s) behind their words and acknowledge them (fear, uncertainty, frustration, anger, disappointment, joy, embarrassment…). The key is not to fix or provide solutions but simply to create a safe space.
How does listening to another, satisfy your whole-hearted need to be appreciated and seen through connection. It’s a paradox and a gift.
Let me know what you discover!
Jennifer
