Rebellion in my life
It happened to me you know. Slowly over time and then suddenly in one very clear moment.
Of course, they first came as “whispers”. Soft, beckoning impulses that I couldn’t ‘see’ or get my hands around. Yet I instinctively knew ‘something’ was asking for a shift in my creative expression on behalf of world I longed to co-create.
I heard it often. On my runs and commutes to work. The pull got stronger at night. I’d spend all my time drawn to writers and thinkers who plunged me deep into their worlds and I felt the longing to be in their company. It came during my Saturday morning phone calls with my mum and dad- when I’d admit what was pulling me. Secrets with my partner, who knew that the whispers were becoming easier and easier to hear.
Then suddenly in one very clear moment, I realized, that I was waiting to be ‘perfectly clear’ before making a move. If I couldn’t envision the next 2-3 years, I interpreted it to mean it wasn’t meant. This way of seeing it, stalled me incessantly. And then I’d say to myself, “But I love my job. I have an amazing job. I’ve had an incredible career.”
All that waiting, caused my body to rebel. Hot flashes, heart palpitations, and sleepless nights in my late 30s became more bothersome. This uncomfortable orchestra of rebellion was telling the truth: my creative energy didn’t have an outlet. I was longing for a new form of self-expression and contribution that harnessed this energy so my whole ecology could breathe more freely.
Looking back, this would have been a useful exercise, when I felt the push away from where I was.
When you’re at the crossroads
If you’re at a crossroads where the questions (and rebellion) are getting louder around fulfillment and meaningful contribution, how do you know if you should walk away from your job/project to something else?
Here’s a more robust way of assessing whether to walk or stay- in four domains.
Inside You:
Am I in tune with my creative impulses and imagination?
To what degree is my heart, mind, and soul aligned?
Am I able to express and fully live my values?
How am I feeling most of the time (lit up, so-so, disheartened/depressed)?
When do I notice I feel most content and nourished?
Outside You:
Do I have strong energy?
Can I deliver high quality, creative work most of the time?
What is my orientation results? What do I most want to achieve and by when? Is it possible?
Can I honestly express my opinions and feelings?
To what extent does my imagination and creativity find expression?
What happens if I take risks, experiment, or show up differently?
Inside your Organization/Government/Company:
Do I feel supported, included, and respected by leadership and my team?
Am I aligned with the values of my team?
If they are not explicit, can I explore, articulate and flesh them out? Live them in community?
Do I have a ‘shelter’ of allies, comrades and co-creative challengers?
Is there a norm (or could there be) for courageous dialogue and disagreement, including the current state of my own engagement?
Outside (Structures/processes) in the Organization:
Are there new roles, responsibilities and opportunities for me to grow and expand in areas of alignment?
How is my organization demonstrating flexibility and evolution through adaptability and change (systems, processes)?
Now throw out the questions and expand perception
With this robust set of questions, you’ll perhaps discover something new, surprising or insightful about your current crossroads.
Yet I also want to add that at any crossroads, there lives the heart of inquiry around your own experience of aliveness. At some level, you may feel ‘good enough’ because the main boxes are checked (financial stability, interesting-enough work, smart colleagues). To discern with more clarity and inner knowing what’s our next, right move- sometimes we need to throw all the questions out. Even the robust ones :).
This territory takes you away from the rationale and cognitive, and into the terrain of embodied and fine-tuned perception. Here you are encouraged to pay attention to sensation, energy, and emotions and where your creative expression and evolutionary impulse is being activated.
Sometimes you have to get still and quiet, to keep listening to the whispers at all, and then take whatever action, prayer, art-expression that brings you closer to the sensations and energy where you feel most alive (when you can’t see around the next corner). But questions around fulfillment, calling, and contribution are centered in the territory of the heart. Meaning, the next step is to bring the questions you’re living out of the mind and into your body, heart and soul.
So whether you feel a bit empty or confused about your current situation- even when for a good cause, start with the four domains, and then move into letting all your answers go. Go for a walk with your whispers. Lift weights with an intention. Snowboard in deep powder to remind you of what it means to be alive. Read or write poetry to capture a glimpse of what you are longing for.
You might just be exhausted because of this current state of affairs with never-ending tidal waves of intensity. Or, your creative impulse and expression might need some tending and revitalizing. Either way, may this reflection and offering support a more robust and whole-hearted assessment of if and when to walk away.
Was this helpful? If so how? Please comment below! Or, if you know someone who is at a crossroads right now- please share it!
Jennifer
