The pain of disconnection

 

The rise of polarization, and the feeling like we’re becoming alienated from one another, is a new experience for some of us. While there’s always been polarization, with varying degrees of difference, many would argue that there’s been an intensification in the last decade.

I remember listening to This American Life many years ago, on a road trip through Northern British Columbia. There was a piece on Red Facts, Blue Facts, and the new anxiety surrounding American family gatherings. Surprised years ago, I’m no longer. It is a common conversation with my southern US friends, and more recently, friends in western Canada.

Polarization feels like the opposite of equality and inclusion, spurred by social movements in North America.

Movements like #IdleNoMore #BlackLivesMatter #Metoo #ColtonBoushie and #Thereisnoplanetb have felt like a positive response to exclusion. But with them, the experience of being on two ends of any given spectrum has intensified- fueling, at times, a sharp duality between ideas, values, and solutions.

 

Just because you were born into the same family or read the same small town newspaper, there is no guarantee that you’ll share the same perspective on guns, pipelines, immigration, or the climate crisis.

And while we know this, deep down, our differences raise all sorts of insecurities, frustration, and resentment.

As with all humans, there is a part of us that both craves and assumes sameness. And when we don’t feel this, we experience the pain of disconnection.

 

When fractals of identity keep us separate

 

How do we navigate this feeling of disconnection, and to some extent, alienation?

We make awkward jokes. We swear under our breath, drink wine and (un)consciously complain. Sometimes we disengage, put others down, or ostracize people who are different.

Or we follow people who think like us or reflect our values and privilege.

As a result, we’ve ended up compacting and compartmentalizing our identities to such an extent that our identities have become fractals- as Maria Popova, creator of Brain Pickings, suggests. She writes “…in the fractal infinity of our ever-subdividing identities, [we] imprison each other in our exponentially multiplying varieties of otherness.”

This speaks to me.

 

While I understand the importance of acknowledging and celebrating all the unique identities that make each one of us “us”- there’s a shadow side.

We’ve policed our identities and complexity to such an extent, that we’ve unintentionally imprisoned our own wildness. Meaning, we’ve lost touch with the experience that we’re evolving and dynamic humans- open to the possibility of change.

Instead, we’re suspicious of our differences and put up walls that reinforce our separateness.

Enter stage left: our vivid sense of disconnection and a wide range of feelings from disengaged to demoralized.

 

Holding Space for Opposites

 

Creating a bridge between our differences, across the fractals of identity, means that we need to find opportunities for sameness and connection.

Think about it.

You’ve likely heard of Brene Brown’s work on values, where she shows that connections on a deeper level help us let go of our firm positions.

From a place of shared values for example,  it becomes easier to stay in connection when we perceive a difference.

Rather than jumping into a natural ‘fight-flight-freeze’ response, sharing values creates a bridge towards, not away from, one another.

And while shared values are important, creating connection can also emerge through the capacity to hold space for opposites.

As thinker and writer Krista Tippett (On Being Producer of the Civil Conversations Project) astutely observes “I have seen how wisdom, in life and society, emerges precisely through those moments when we have to hold seemingly opposing realities in a creative tension and interplay: power and frailty, birth and death, pain and hope, beauty and brokenness, mystery and conviction, calm and fierceness, mine and yours[1].”

This capacity for holding space for opposites both honors and dissolves the boundaries that keep us separate.

Practice for You: Creating hospitable conversations

 

So when you’re feeling disconnected and alienated from someone- whether your boss, a political party, or own family members try this practice.

Overcoming polarization means beginning with the quality and space of our conversations. Creating hospitable conversations honors both our wildness and evolving identities.

So when you feel differences arise in a conversation or company of another person try this:

1. Pay attention to how contours of judgment feel in your body. Do you constrict or expand?

 

2. Get curious about the interests (vs. positions) of the other person. Ask questions.

 

3. Feel into and appreciate the complexity of the person (vs. a fixed identity)

 

4. Allow yourself to identify and hold any “opposites” arising in the conversation and see what it opens up.

 

*Note, there is a limit to this practice. 🙂 As recently sharpened in conversation between feminist journalist Liz Plank and psychotherapist Esther Perel, how much difference you can tolerate before the price of connection undermines your integrity must be skillfully worked with.

I believe that our ability to create spaces for curious exploration, honest conversations are essential for all conscious leadership. This directly contributes to connection over polarization-while acknowledging our differences and our evolving selves.

 We can be, as Krista Tippett  encourages “nourishers of discernment, fermenters of healing. [Indeed] We have the language, the tools, the virtues – and the calling, as human beings – to create hospitable spaces for taking up the hard questions of our time.”

 

Xo

Jennifer

[1] Tippett, Krista. A Better Conversations Guide