The Illusion of Individualism
Do you ever feel like you are in a period of So. Much. Learning?
For me, it feels like a particularly potent time, 6 months into the pandemic.
Themes I’m hearing from committed leaders of social change speak to interdependence, community impact, and the death of the hero/warrior modality of leadership.
In a culture that celebrates individualism, the “will”, and merit-based rewards we often interpret “leadership” to mean ambition and the stand-out nature of carefully crafted qualities, ideas and solutions. This interpretation holds up ‘leaders’ who are global knock-outs and can unintentionally obscure the wider context in which that person has been formed and influenced.
The heroic or warrior interpretation of leadership is strong in circles of social change leaders. We often put pressure on ourselves to develop new skills and capacities so we can set course, chart new waters, and ‘lead’ the team to safety. In this light, we often feel we are never doing enough, feel stuck in a cyclone of ‘busyness’, and chastise ourselves when the voyage is slow.
And this happens even though we know we’re participating and created by the cultures and systems that surround us!
Leadership- spontaneous and mutual learning
We can easily forget, that leadership (as systems thinker Nora Bateson argues) is more about mutual learning and growth in a broader ecosystem of change, where we collectively respond to the set of monstrous winter waves that arrive on our shores.
Yet, as I listen more deeply to the patterns of longing among committed leaders- a common growth edge is how to be in relationship with emergence in community. Meaning, living the question: how I can be present to what’s unfolding, while remaining fiercely open to others?
If we continue to work this metaphor- it’s like recognizing that your successful ‘big wave surf’ isn’t only about your training or quality board- but about being situated in a larger community of riders who helped you train, read the wind, currents, and find your balance.
This is the nature of interdependence- the idea that social change (for equality, justice, and sustainability) is more likely when you are both conscious of growing your own inner capacity while deepening your trust and relationship with others.
“But, Jennifer“, you say, “this is easy with people who share my values and interests, but practically impossible with those who just ‘don’t get it'”.
Sort of like, “To avoid this, I’ll just be selective with whom I am ‘interdependent’ with”.
We grow most through difference
And while I understand it’s easier to hang with others like us, our commitment to growth and change requires us to open up to the learning and opportunities among those we have trouble relating.
This is the dissonant power of “mutuality”, Nora Bateson argues, where we make little room for ego and individualism.
So, I say to the celebrity big wave surfer, hero or warrior part of ourselves, while I appreciate the intention to ‘go hard’, you can head home.
Practice for You: Trust in Mutuality (even when its super hard)
This practice is sourced from my teacher and friends Diane Musho Hamilton, Gabe Wilson and Kim Loh’s new book Compassionate Conversations: How to Speak and Listen from the Heart (Chapter 2, An Exploration of Difference).
When you find yourself wanting to move out of interdependence with someone who is different from you (or holds a different view or value) try this practice (it could be your teen, toddler or colleague!)
1. Become aware and interested in your experience of flight or flight in the body. Try and stay present to it. Notice the sensations in your body as best you can, without wishing them away.
2. Focus on breathing rhythmically and evenly. Try and extend the exhalation, which encourages your whole nervous system to relax. Notice how your body sensations begin to feel less intense.
3. Remember to encourage yourself. This is really important! As we can become quickly critical or worried about our responses or the state of the other person. Remind yourself that staying present and becoming more familiar with your own body helps to create space for new and different responses (vs. your habitual ones) when you feel threatened.
Later: ask yourself: what did I learn by staying present to my breath and bodily sensations when I felt upset or threatened? What opened up between us? What was the benefit of staying in relationship to myself and the other person? Where did I experience ‘interdependence’?
In deep respect for the dance of emergence, on behalf of a meaningful life and an equal world,
Jennifer
PS. Curious about your own growth edges in leadership and interdependence, as you work towards an ecology of commitment, justice and sustainability? Click here to book a Free Discovery Session to learn how my work can support the next level of your leadership.
