The birth of “I statements”
I can’t remember the first time I realized that using “I statements” in heated conversations were helpful. It was probably in my early 20s- that period of growth and awareness that’s only slightly less awkward than the teens.
“I statements” came into awareness in the 60s by Thomas Moore and then were slowly incorporated into conflict resolution and other fields.
Back then, the primary reason we’d use “I statements” was to avoid blaming (“you made me feel….”). First-person speech made sure we took responsibility for our own experience. It also helped us preserve dignity, separate feelings from events, and alleviate assumptions about intent.
Fast forward to 2019, and “I statements” are often the first rule when navigating tension. It seems so obvious, that for some, it feels like a skill not worth reviewing.
Not long ago I was facilitating a tense conversation among peers. To begin the day, I reviewed why it’s important to use first-person perspective. But then, a number of folks in the room dropped their eye gaze, doodled and resisted: the “We-know-this-already” subtext.
But do we?
The differences between 1st-2nd-3d person perspective
My understanding of “I statements” and more accurately, first-person perspective took off when I trained with Diane Musho Hamilton, with Ten Directions.
Diane- whose work with the Integral Life, Two Arrows Zen, and Ten Directions -has integrated her extraordinary capabilities in conflict resolution with Integral Theory. Her work with diversity, equity and conflict have helped people skillfully navigate conversations using all perspectives (first, second and third).
What I learned from Diane is how often we resort to second person (“You did this”, “You are always….”) and third-person perspectives in hard conversations (“It’s like this”, “That is the way it is”).
I won’t belabor why avoiding second person in challenging conversations is a “no no”. Brené Brown is our master guide in Rising Strong. There she encourages us to “rumble” and “reckon” with the stories we make up about others, thereby moving us back from second-person to first-person perspective.
Rather, witnessing our reliance on third-person perspective and where it gets us into trouble, is underappreciated territory.
Third-person perspective- the fight for truth
Have you noticed? Third-person perspective is everywhere. In academia we’re taught to be objective. In the public service we’re guided to provide neutral, evidence-based analysis. In corporate life we’re encouraged to be confident and impersonal to be taken seriously. Wherever you work, third-person serves to reinforce a neutral lens, often on behalf of being right, having access to ‘the truth’, or wielding power.
While third-person perspective can be seen as safe in challenging conversations, especially in larger team contexts, often, it can get us into trouble.
You see if I use third person in a challenging conversation ( e.g.“The deadline wasn’t met and now we’re going to be flailing”) I’m presenting information as if I’ve nailed the ‘truth’ of the matter. If someone doesn’t agree, their defenses go up and counter it with blame. “You didn’t tell me when the deadline was and now we’re screwed”.
While that’s a brief and simple example, the point is using third-person perspective can land us in unnecessary power struggles. And this can make conflict more difficult to resolve.
As I mentioned in my last post, it takes courage and continuous practice to express our self clearly and honestly. Our work is to live in each present moment, fully claiming our experiences, while not alienating the other.
Practice for You (and your team)
If we’re going to strengthen our ability to practice clarity with kindness, then becoming adept at shifting between first, second, and third-person perspectives is key.
Over the next week- pay attention to your team (or family) conversations. See if you can pick out the differences between first, second, and third-person perspectives.
Notice:
- Which perspective do you rely on, and in what contexts?
- How does the energy shift in a room, depending on perspective?
- Which perspective generates openness and genuine understanding?
- Which perspective shuts down vulnerability and intimacy?
- Where does movement forward most readily happen on complex challenges?
Once you’ve got the hang of it, invite your team into this witnessing and observing. Follow up in your one-to-ones or peer conversations and learn from each other. Let the learning emerge.
This will help you build on the practice on first-person perspective, where you sense IN using moment-to-moment awareness.
Conscious leadership is a journey of growing awareness, perspective-taking and skill building. Together this builds a wider and deeper body of Presence that keeps us grounded in complexity, interpersonal challenges, and the unknown.
Now, I’d love to hear from you! Below in the Comments, tell me what you’ve learned or witnessed about perspective taking in tough conversations and which perspective supports clarity and resolution the most.
Until next time 🙂
Xo,
Jennifer
